There has never been a cloud that I couldn’t eventually find the silver lining to. Whenever others see their glass as half empty, I’m usually right there to help them see it differently. I’m a hard core optimist and I generally feel pretty good about the world. I know that most of these posts on here have been full of love and my attempts at giving advice, but this one is different. Today, I’m going to write this whole thing whilst feeling sorry for myself. Feel free to read it and laugh at me for being completely lame, or watch this video of cute kittens instead.
For the past year, I’ve been really depressed. It may not always show, but there are days when I just feel like breaking down and never putting myself together again. It’s just gotten so much easier to tell myself and others that I’m okay than to face the facts and just be SAD.
For as long as I can remember, when people have a problem in their life, they come to me. They ask me for my advice or they just want general comfort and I happily give it to them. For once, I’d like for someone to return the favor to me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Whenever I do get the courage to actually talk to someone about how I’m feeling, they seem annoyed or like they would rather be doing something else other than listening to my problems. Maybe I’m just overreacting, but I don’t think there’s ever been a time when telling someone how I felt made me feel any better about the situation.
So this is what I’m doing now. I’m complaining to the few readers I have, probably running y’all off.
I’m tired of trying so hard to make people feel good about themselves when all they do is put me down. I’m tired of showing people how much I care, and then they proceed to ignore me. You may not feel the same way I do, but at least acknowledge the fact that I put forth an effort. I wish I were pretty and skinny, and I could take my own advice about feeling comfortable in my own skin. I wish I could ignore the fact that I’m slowly losing some of my friends. I wish I was completely oblivious to the fact, because sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I want you to at least tell me what I did to make you angry, because I still love you deep down, and I miss you every day. I want my father and I to get along better without him making me feel awful about myself every time I visit. I need Kim here now more than ever, because she is the only person that ever made me feel like I was worth something, and she truly loved me. I want to know why Lacey felt the need to leave. I want to make something of myself, but I’m afraid I’ll never amount to anything. Out of all these things though, the one thing that eats at me the most is how lonely I am. Some days, even in a crowded room I feel like I’m the only person there. It seems like no one notices me and no one cares. It’s understandable, but it would be nice to know that I meant something to someone…that there was at least one person out there that loved me unconditionally. But here lately, I feel like that’s just wishful thinking, a fairy tale right up there with Snow White.
I’m not saying these things to get a million comments “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way.” “You mean the world to me!” “You are beautiful.” “You can always come talk to me!” If you say something like that, then you’re wasting your breath. I’ve heard stuff like this time and time again, but it’s all bull crap. If anyone really meant it, then I probably wouldn’t be feeling this way in the first place. I know that makes me sound like an ungrateful brat, and for that I’m sorry. I appreciate the attempt, but I need more than that.
It’s 2:30 AM right now, and I think I’m going to sleep for the rest of my life. If you’re reading this, then that means you probably worked your way through all of that mess. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I appreciate the effort. I hope you all have an amazing night or day, and I promise that I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself soon enough.
Love,
Angela
